Battling with depression (my true life story )

I remember that cold November, its so fuzzy that I can barely remember all the details. I see the old brown couch i was  sitting on, the Loud TV that I ignored. I was 14 and alone in the house that day; I wasn’t watching the TV, reading a book or day dreaming. I was writing just like I always did, but this time it was a different note, it was a suicide note. 

This wasn’t my first attempt, this was the second actually. The first attempt was  unsuccessful. I swallowed Six paracetamol hoping it would send me to the other side but it did nothing. How miserable I felt when nothing happened. My brothers had found out and told my mother who scoffed out in disbelief ´’If you die it would hurt me but not for more than three days “she sneered. That reply didn’t comfort me, if anything it made me feel worse, neglected and undervalued. So I re-strategized on something better, something stronger and something reliable. I bought over 6 packs of Amoxil hoping it would finally end my Life.

My shaky long fingers wrote the letter, I still remember the red pen, I still taste the tear drops flowing down my black pimpled oily skin, a red KJV bible in position to recite the forgiveness prayer so I can make It to heaven on an economy class ticket even if I would sit with the luggage. For over a year I had battled secretly, always crying only when I was alone, I carried a sharp razor nearby and found relieve when I cut my stomach with it , no one taught me that, but somehow by impulses I knew how to hurt myself, but now cuts were not enough , the mutilations in my body wasn’t deep enough.  That day I swallowed those drugs but I found Jesus who saved me and led me to life that day.

 Earlier before then I was religious , I had gone to church and confessed to our priest about the self –mutilations and the dramas that led to that. He comforted, counselled and then started making advances to me a damaged teenager, that was when I had enough. I would battle whatever I was facing alone, until that November.

I met the holy spirit, I became born again that November. When I got up after swallowing the pills “ atmosphere for miracles”  was on and I saw the MOG saying “ there's a young lady wearing a blue gown watching me, you’ve just popped some pills to end your life, you have given up but God has only begun with you”. I became a christian that day as I said the sinners prayer with him.

As the years progressed I blamed it on demons ,I blamed it on my family but as I grew older I realized what it really was and years after I would still have to battle with this deadly silent killer called Depression.

Depression , it sounds like a foreign word. But many of us use it as a synonymous to the word sadness. Many of us dread the word and are quick to say “ Snap out of it”. Well my hands are off the keyboards and I'm yelling back “ You can’t just snap out of it”. If it were that easy suicides wouldn’t be escalating in Nigeria. The giant of Africa who is reputable for being “the happiest people in the world” is gradually being overthrown by another giant called depression. This giant is creeping into our societies and our homes and we still don’t recognize his ugly face, we don’t see his foot prints or his hand marks engraved on the face of the new mother who just had a baby yet feels sad and guilty without an explanation, The ever smiling co-worker who goes home to cry a bucket of tears ,  the teenager who has lost pleasure in everything she once loved , or the Husband who has lost his Job and feels better off dead than ashamed.

 Some of us miss those signs, while some of know the feeling, I’m writing to both categories and I hope you will get the help that you deserve or help that person close by who needs you.

 Depression according to the American Psychiatric association (APA) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects the way you feel, think and act. It is treatable, it causes a feeling of sadness, loss of interest in Activities once enjoyed, with symptoms ranging from changes in appetite, trouble sleeping, loss of energy, feeling worthless and thoughts of death. There are different types of depression and can happen to anyone of any gender, age and Race(  including Nigerians).

 After I became a Christian , I got involved in church surrounded by loving people who support me through my journey. There were times I would almost sink back but the word of God is sharp and effective and food for the soul, other times even the promises of God would make me feel more hopeless.

Year later, I started working and the demand of work life started to weigh on me. Also roughs and downs in my personal life and after a prolonged period which led to weight loss of over 10kg  I realised I needed professional medical help.

No one is a super man, or the master of faith. Countless Gods generals battled with depression, Ask Elijah, Job, Jeremiah, David, Kathrine kuhlman and so many others.

Get a vacation , nothing can trigger depression more than a bad work-life balance.  Quit sitting at home watching sad telenova, Register at the gym.

Delete Toni Braxton” Unbreak my heart, or how could an angel break my heart”turn up the music and dance even when you don’t feel like. Meditate on the word of God and if you are Muslim recite the Quran and  do your Solat.

Get busy with personal projects, volunteer at church or a charity group, adopt a pet(trust me that works). Surround yourself with family ,a faith leader and talk to a friend about your Challenges. My Friends Ruth and Ella were a pillar for me. This is the big one GET PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL CARE”. Your pastor is not the professional medical care he is  spiritual help. The biggest milestone to recovery for me was seeing a clinical psychologist AKA ”shrink”. Clinical psychologist are in Nigeria although not well sought after but its time we start to take care of our mental health as much as our physical health. Antidepressants will be recommended to help restore chemical imbalances to cure depression. A professional is trained to evaluate and treat depression but you pay for the sessions which is worth every penny.

 Physical medical problems could be responsible for depression such as hormonal imbalances, thyroid problems ,genetics, drugs and neurological diseases.

I know an NGO that helps with postpartum depression (Postpartum Support network Africa)

So hello dear, I'm Catherine and I have struggled with depression if you struggle with depression you are not alone and it is treatable.


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